Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”