I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
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Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me