Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Venn
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon