I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.