Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
me as a parent
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.