We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
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I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
mathematically impossible
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things