Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I just ran a .003048K
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.