When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
(Jupiter –
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.