ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
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Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up