[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Every time.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
so much to do
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”