Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
You Might Also Like
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
The Others (2001)
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*