How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Lube but for my dry humor.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
North and South
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework