David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]