Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Why soy sad?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.