It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!