every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Buck naked