“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
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I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey