Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
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[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
when someone compliments me
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it