Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
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I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.