Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
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Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name