Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?