An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*