If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
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my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
there’s probably a fee though
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato