Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
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Ugh
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM