No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly