Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
🛁
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.