*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
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The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Your honor these allegations are
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.