Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.