Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Trying
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.