THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.