Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
set yourself free xox
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Not helping
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.