Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
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PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys