Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
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@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful