I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
twitter is a journey
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
the red hot silly peppers
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.