babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
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[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded