1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.