i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!