parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
early stone age tool
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving