“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.