I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
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“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle