[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip鈥檔 slide.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
saying you鈥檙e celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you鈥檝e been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Her: She鈥檚 a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
hear me out- let鈥檚 have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you鈥檙e gone to keep the pets amused
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that鈥檚 right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it鈥檚 fine
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
馃槀馃槀
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
British people be like I鈥檓 Bri ish
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Me: i feel like we don鈥檛 communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where鈥檚 your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”