Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
this is uni
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If only.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.