I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
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When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die