Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.