Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
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*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My sex drive has a dui
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry