When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*