Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Squirrels before girls.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?