“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“i am a sweet baby”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????