*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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*looks at you in batman voice*
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[classified ads]
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.