*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
i made a craigslist ad !
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
When your man makes a valid point
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”